March 26th,1998-

The day my life changed forever........................

When women are desperate, they do desperate things. This world can weigh us down and sometimes the lines between fact & fiction are not so far from each other. Desperation & fear keep the abortion lie alive. When women are encouraged to abort and Motherhood is looked at in contempt, women adopt this attitude and killing becomes sane reality.

At 24, I was almost finished with nursing school and became pregnant. I was upset because I had been extremely careful at that point in my life to avoid pregnancy. I was young & married with 2 small boys and we were living on $800 a month. I was getting sicker from nausea and I was going to have to quit college because of the strict attendance policy. I also had $15,000 in outstanding student loans. I had to graduate, so much hung in the balance. With so much pressure, I felt I was backed into a corner and it was kill or be killed. I knew abortion was wrong and I hated it, but I started to believe the lie I was told by a "counselor" from the clinic that promises hope. I was told, "You can have another baby, when it's the right time." Yeah, maybe they were right I thought, maybe I had no choice. At the time, that's what it felt like.

My husband and I wrestled with it day and night for 1 week leading up to the abortion. Keep in mind I was a Christian. You might ask then how did you do this? Like I said, desperation & sin. Oh, and add poverty.

We drove to the clinic which was out of state, to Granite City Illinois to the place they call "Hope" clinic for women. How disgusting and vile. The whole thing was like some deranged Fellini movie. As we drove the sun was in my husband's face and mine and I thought of the Bible verse,

"He causeth the sun to shine on the just and the unjust." I have never felt more unjust than I did that day. I grieved silently in my heart for my husband as I looked at his young face. We had worked so hard, played by the rules, didn't do drugs, were faithfull to each other and we tried to achieve the American dream. Why was this happening to us? WHY US?

We approached the "shack" as it was then, and we were met by a guard and had to sign our name to the list. I felt like I was signing my own death warrant. We were buzzed in the first door, then the second. I had to sign in at the desk. I filled out my forms and was told to wait. I was crying and we held each other like never before.

We saw other couples file in. One woman had her toddler with her and a very swollen belly, we instantly felt sick at our stomachs. She was in her 3rd trimester there to kill her kicking baby full of life. My husband and I held each other more and cried together. As I sat there and cried I looked around to take some mental notes. On the walls were grotesque posters with women old & young and one with a baby and it said, "Women know, Celebrating Choice". I was appaled. Then on the wall behind us were construction paper ribbons with purple and a silver medallion that had a name of each woman that had had an abortion so far that year.

The wall said, "Celebrating 25 years of Choice!". I thought how brazen

& disgusting. Of course there was no way my name went on one. Then there was the exit door with the sign that said, "In case of attack, Xylon Gas will be released, exit immediately." I really freaked out then. I was not only there killing, but I could be killed myself. Me and my husband sat there scared to death fearing for our own lives, but frozen with confusion like two paralyzed mice ready for the experimentation to begin.

We wanted to run out, but we felt we couldn't.

My name was called, I was given my Valium by a Phlebotimist (which is illegal by the way) and I was taken to be "group counseled". We were shown a canula and an anatomical plastic model of the female reproductive tract. She showed how the hard plastic canula would be forced through our cervix to get the "products of conception". With each minute that passed, I felt like I was in the twilight zone, it did not seem real. I couldn't believe I was doing this. I felt like I wasn't even myself at that point, and something was just dragging me through it like a puppet on a string.

I was taken to the back where you undress and put a sheet around you and sit and wait for your name to be called. It was a small waiting room with a bathroom to change in. I sat by 3 girls younger than me. The 2 on my left were both black girls, quiet and scared and they were upset like me. The girl on my right was white. I said to them, "I'm scared". She immediately said, "Oh this is no big deal, I've done it 3 times, this is my 4th. It doesn't hurt that bad at all once you get used to it." I sat in horror thinking this girl doesn't even get what she is doing is murder. The whole thing made me sick at my stomach.

My name was called and I was taken to the killing room. I was laid on the table and my legs were put in the stirrups. The nurse put the IV needle in my arm and gave me a dose of Versed with no IV fluids running which is improper protocol & dangerous. I looked at her and she told me where she went to school to be an RN. I said I was in school to be one too, but then I asked, "How can you do this everyday?", she told me because she felt she was helping women. I told her she wasn't helping me.

Dr. Death came in with his mask on and talked so low I couldn't even hear him. I looked up at the ceiling and I thought I was hallucinating from the Valium and Versed, but unfortunately I wasn't. On the ceiling was a fresco of Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden! Did you get that!?? I felt like I was going to lose my mind. Here I am being invaded by some male with a hard plastic canula ripping my innermost feminity apart, and to add injury to insult, they had the nerve to mock my religion on top of it all.

The procedure was so violent and painful I began to hyperventilate. The nurse said, "No, don't breathe like your in labor take a deep breath, and hold it." So I did. It felt as if my very intestines were about to be ripped out. Safe & legal, are they kidding? Finally it was over. The abortionist ran out of the room, and the nurse said, "OK time to get up." I was astonished. I had just been mechanically raped and was in enormous pain and I was told to just get up like nothing happened. I got up and fell to the ground as blood gushed down my legs and I felt faint. Two workers rushed in and threw me in a wheelchair and then dumped me into a pink recliner. I sat there dazed and confused.

I saw the other women as I looked around and they had the same shell shocked look as well. It was like I was in the twilight zone. I was given the infamous "brown bag" everyone gets one after they get mechanically raped. The bag has your Doxycycline, pretzels and instructions telling you to follow up with your OBGYN. I sipped my Sprite and felt like a murderer.

I was taken to the waiting room, and I met my husband there. We cried and ran out ASAP. We were in shock about what we had seen and done. We were like zombies. We were hungry and ventured to Alton for lunch to try and distract our boggled minds.

After lunch, we crossed the river and we went to sit by the bank of the river and just be still and quiet and reflect on what we had just done. We knew right then and there, nothing would be the same. Unfortunately, we were right. We soon both plunged into an emotional abyss that for awhile, no one or nothing could pull us out of. Then the aftermath came. For a "choice", we were about to pay the highest price. They never told us in the informed consent our lives would be ruined once it was done. That's the big part they leave out on purpose, because if they told people the truth, no woman would have an abortion. At least no sane woman would.